Note: This piece is meant to shed light on the thoughts and opinions of Muslim teenagers. Not all opinions expressed in this piece are supported by the author or by Soundvision.
In so many mom circles, I hear the same questions again and again about teenagers: How do we help them? How do we talk to them? How do we support them? What are we doing wrong? What are we doing right?
I don’t have answers. I don’t even have teenagers yet. But I thought, what if we asked them? What if, for a few minutes, we (the Muslim moms, dads, teachers, coaches, and older community members) just sat back and listened to what teenagers had to say?
So I sent out an e-form with four open-ended questions that Muslim teenagers could respond to anonymously. The questions were:
- What do you think Muslim parents are doing wrong with their teens?
- What do you think Muslim parents are doing right with their teens?
- How do you think Muslim parents can best support their teenagers?
- Please tell me anything else you believe Muslim parents really need to know about teenagers.
In the span of three days, 15 teenagers between the ages of 13 and 19 replied to my form. It’s not a large sample, but hopefully it can serve as a starting point towards better understanding. I believe that each response was truly a reflection of the individual writing it. But there were also patterns among the responses, repeating themes that I’ve highlighted below. Note that the quotes are published without names but the respondents age is provided.
Here is what they had to say:
On Having Balance …
“I think Muslim parents can be extremely strict with their teens and make it seem like everything they want to do is haram or not allowed in Islam. They often mix culture with religion and can make their teen question the freedom of this religion. This only drives teens farther away from God and Islam. They become more rebellious and hang out with the wrong crowds because they feel like their religion is holding them back when really it’s supposed to be what fulfills them.” (14)
“[Muslim parents] are being a little too strict.” (13)
“[Muslim parents are] not giving them [teens] enough freedom.” -- Anonymous teen
“[They’re] either being too controlling or too lenient over their children.” (18)
“[Parents are] giving them too much free range. We're still children, we still need some restrictions. Guide us and teach us, then give us free range when we can handle it.” (15)
“You are not creating safe spaces for your teens to be free and experience their teenage years!” (15)
On Islam and Culture …
“They [parents] mix culture with religion and don’t acknowledge their teen’s emotions.” (15)
“It’s strange, I know kids’ parents who enforce religion and culture so much, perhaps overwhelmingly so, and the kids either turn out super religious or rebellious to it, loathing their parents, turning away from something they feel like they’re forced to. It’s more often than not the second outcome. I think it’s just a matter of “choice,” especially with the younger teens. They want to make decisions. SubhanAllah, imagine the difference between a kid being forced into praying five times a day, grudgingly, versus a kid who WANTS to pray five times a day. Again, every kid is not the same. I struggle. Everyone does. I only know a few kids my age who pray consistently.” (18)
“[Parents are] forcing Islam on [their teens] and pressuring them.” (age unknown)
“Create safe spaces with your kids! Don’t force Islam on them. Just be there for them when they ask questions!” (15)
“Show them a better understanding of the religion.” (13)
“I think Muslim parents have sincere intentions when they try to give their teens a good community of Muslims to be surrounded by. A lot of the time they try to put their teens in halaqa groups, Quran classes or Arabic classes to ensure religion is an important part of their identities. Even if those efforts aren’t always properly appreciated by a teen, they are still done for the benefit of that teenager. Muslim parents should know that when teenagers are shown the beautiful parts of Islam and are exposed to those aspects of its teachings, they will start to really connect with it and become better as Muslims. If they are struggling in any way, the knowledge that turning to Allah to help them can greatly improve their mental health, personal situations, and bring them closer to Allah.” (14)
“[Muslim parents are] prioritizing culture over religion and being in denial of possible sexist behavior.” (18)
“Muslim parents also force their ideology on their kids which sometimes can cause resentment, and that’s not what you’re aiming for.” (15)
“[Stop] blaming mental health issues on a teen not being close enough to Allah and not having enough faith, telling them to just go pray or read the Quran if they ask for a therapist.” (17)
“[Parents should] show kids the real world and not be so naive about the hate Muslims can get. I feel like parents at least try to enforce religion without being embarrassed or ashamed of it. After that, it’s really how the kids react to it.” (18)
“[Raise] them to be good Muslims, hopefully. With all the craziness in the world right now, we need our deen more than ever.” (15)
On Making Comparisons and Assumptions …
“Comparing their teenagers to other teenagers, criticizing them, and holding them to extremely high standards are also problems that teens potentially face from Muslim parents. The knowledge that nothing you do will ever be good enough for your parents can be extremely degrading and discouraging as an insecure, adolescent teenager.” (14)
“Stop comparing us with our siblings and friends.” (15)
“Support your children by not comparing them to other children that are also Muslim because sometimes they are not what you think.” (13)
“[Muslim parents are] not understanding before assuming.” (19)
“[Teens] are not always doing bad stuff and [parents] should trust them more.” (age unknown)
On Communication and Relationships …
“The way Muslim parents can best support their teenagers is to really hear them out and listen to what they have to say in a non-judgemental way. When their teen feels like they can talk to their parents about their feelings, doubts or struggles, their relationship with them will improve. Going into discussions with an open mind from both sides can also decrease arguments and make everyone feel like they’re being heard.” (14)
“Be there for them. Listen to them and do your best to keep your cool. No teen wants to hear a whole lecture when they are frustrated by something. Listen to them, allow them to cool off, and then gently teach them what is right and wrong.” (16)
“Listen to them [teens] without judging them. Do not hurt them emotionally. Do not make them feel stupid or scared just because they wanted to ask something.” (15)
“It’s okay to be nervous to talk to your teen, it’s normal. But don’t act as if you weren’t there before. Remember when you were a teenager, think back to when you were the one rebeling, and remember what you wanted your parents to say. And hear your teen out! Hear them out because they can make really good points!” (15)
“It’s hard to look at people through their eyes versus your own, it’s simple human nature. Kids can’t truly understand parents’ thinking and their experience and vice versa. The world is always changing. I think parents should try being open to how their kids’ worlds are, rather than assuming or being ignorant of it. The world now is very opinionated, everyone is free to think however they like, and in turn, kids get influenced. It’s important to use logic to kids, simple reasoning, of right and wrong, but not overdoing it to the point where kids feel like they’re forced or decide to be rebellious.” (18)
“[Parents need to] communicate and understand that we grew up in a different environment and time period than they did. Everyone is different and teenagers cannot be the same as their parents.” (19)
“Muslim parents have this mindset that ‘this is my child, and I am the parent’. But what a real relationship should be like is that of a best friend—punishing the child without explaining why will push a teen farther away from the parents. If there is a buddy relationship, then there is trust, growth, and understanding.” (16)
“Support them with what they like to do, no matter what.” (age unknown)
“Accept their [teens] concerns and feelings and figure out problems together. Also, give them space when they need it.” (15)
“Be forgiving. Guide us calmly and lovingly. We're going through a weird time and just need some guidance.” (15)
On What They Really Want You to Know …
“We don't really mean to be angry or rude. Sometimes I just want to have someone to hug without always telling me ‘you did that wrong or right.’” (15)
“Learn more about mental health and understand that it can affect anyone (yes, even if they have food and a roof over their head and even if the parent thinks they’re perfectly fine). Be more supportive and open about it instead of making it such a taboo. [Parents] need to understand mental health issues can affect any and everyone. It’s not fair to assume your child is fine. Make sure to normalize talking about mental health and if you do talk to your teen, please don’t force them to talk to YOU. They may not feel comfortable (yea, sorry, even though you’re their parent it’s normal) and they would need professional help. You’re not a therapist or a psychiatrist and you may make things worse. Being closer to Allah doesn’t fix this. That isn’t the problem.” (17)
“Teenagers need time to themselves and need encouragement.” (age unknown)
“We are still learning and we don't really know how to do everything right sometimes.” (13)
“[We] are not trying to be rude all the time, [we] need space and time at this difficult age.” (15)
“We are still young and need them to teach us.” (13)
“They [Muslim parents] were teenagers at one point and time, too. Remember their frustrations. Remember their confusions. The teens now aren't that different from the teens then. It's a learning phase. Be the parent you wish you had (if you didn't). And be open-minded and gentle.” (16)
“Teenagers are always stuck. Stuck in the world of wanting to still be kids but also wanting to grow up. Stuck being in friend groups, being online, being present in person, trying to stay connected to religion, but I have to study for my exam! Saying no to alcohol but the Qur’an doesn’t say anything about vape. Around every nook and cranny, there’s another whisper in our ear of what to prioritize and what to let go and something that should matter doesn’t. Just like how adults have their own lives, jobs to juggle, money to manage, etc., teens have their own too.” (18)
“Please, if your Muslim teenager comes out as part of the LGBTQ+ community, please, please, please accept them!” (15)
“We're going to make mistakes. We're going to make very big, very stupid mistakes. But with your guidance, we can learn from those mistakes and become better people and better Muslims.” (15)
And a Few Final Thoughts
To the teenagers who responded to my questions: thank you. Thank you for your willingness to participate. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Thank you for your honesty.
To the parents: I hope this feedback is of some value to you. Not every opinion or thought shared in this piece may touch on your unique family and that’s okay. But I do hope some of it resonated with you, like it did with me.
At the very least, I like to think this feedback shows that teens are willing and wanting to talk to us. The question is: are we willing to listen? Are we willing to put aside our assumptions, our judgments, and our criticisms to be there for our children? What kind of beautiful, loving relationship could we cultivate with our kids, and our community, if we all did that?
Melissa Barreto is a freelance writer and homeschooling mother of five children. She is the Co-Founder of Wildflower Homeschool Collective, a homeschool organization based in Northern New Jersey.
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