Emotional Regulation in Children

Do you ever wonder why your child reacts so intensely to what seems like minor inconveniences? Tantrums are a common part of toddlerhood, and even small issues can sometimes trigger outbursts that affect the entire day. If you’ve felt overwhelmed by your child’s emotional eruptions, you might even question your own ability to manage emotions.

It is important to remember that young children often lack the tools to handle their feelings and don’t yet understand that negative emotions are temporary. The early years are crucial for developing emotional and spiritual resilience. Teaching self-regulation aligns with the principles of patience (sabr) and self-control (taqwa), as emphasized in the Quran and Sunnah.

Emotional outbursts can occur at any age. Regardless of the age, our goal is to address these outbursts in a way that fosters growth and understanding for both ourselves and our children. To help our children express their emotions in a healthy way, we need to understand how self-regulation impacts their well-being. 

Self-regulation is a key building block for nearly every aspect of a child’s development, learning, and growth. Children who learn to self-regulate are more likely to succeed academically, in interpersonal relationships, it helps them adapt their responses and emotions to different situations while considering issues from different perspectives, and most importantly it helps children cope with anxiety and frustration by being more resilient to environmental changes.

Tips for Effective Emotional Regulation in Children

Here are seven important ways parents can help teach emotional regulation to their children.

1. Model positive behaviors.

Children learn a lot by observing their parents. Demonstrate patience and calmness in your own reactions to stress and frustration. When you handle difficult situations with grace, your child is more likely to imitate these behaviors. For example, if you feel overwhelmed, take a deep breath and express your feelings calmly. 

Use phrases like, "I’m feeling upset right now, but I’m going to take a moment to calm down."

2. Teach emotional awareness.

Help your child identify and name their emotions. Use simple language to describe feelings like happiness, sadness, or anger. Incorporate Islamic teachings by explaining that it’s natural to have these emotions, and how we respond to them matters. 

For instance, you might say, "It's okay to feel upset. The Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, taught us to be patient and seek calm."

3. Create a calm-down routine.

Develop a consistent routine for your child to use when they feel overwhelmed. This could include taking deep breaths, counting to ten, or going to a quiet space. Incorporate elements of Islamic practice, such as reciting a short prayer or engaging in Dhikr (remembrance of Allah) to help soothe their emotions.

An example is having  children take three deep breaths then afterwards say “Alhamdillah” three times slowly. (For adults, say “La illah IlAllah.")

4. Reinforce positive behavior.

Praise and encourage your child when they manage their emotions well. Recognize their efforts to stay calm and express their feelings appropriately. 

Use Islamic values to affirm their progress, such as saying, "You did a great job staying calm. Allah loves those who show patience."

5. Offer guidance and support.

Gently guide your child through the process of understanding and managing their emotions. Share stories from the Quran or Sunnah illustrating the importance of patience and self-control. 

For example, tell the story of Prophet Yusuf, peace be upon him, and how he remained patient and trusting in Allah during his trials.

6. Establish consistent boundaries.

Set clear and consistent boundaries for acceptable behavior. Explain the reasons behind these rules and use Islamic teachings to help your child understand their importance. 

For instance, remind them that “Respecting others and managing emotions are part of  the discipline that is expected if we follow Islamic guidance.”

7. Encourage reflection.

After a tantrum or emotional outburst, take time to talk with your child about what happened. Help them reflect on their feelings and discuss what they can do differently next time. Use this opportunity to reinforce Islamic values and encourage growth.

For example, reminding children all emotions are welcomed but all behaviors are not. A good way to encourage reflection is helping them understand why they felt a certain way and how they can react appropriately in the future when those same feelings arise. This is also an opportunity to teach children that the Prophet Muhammed,peace and blessings be upon him, advised to give gifts to help remove negative feelings from the chest.

By incorporating these practices into your parenting approach, you can support your child in developing self-regulation skills that align with Islamic principles. This will not only help them manage their emotions effectively but also prepare them for a successful and balanced life, inshaAllah, God willing.

Miriam Mohamed is a mother to seven children and a granny to two cats!  She loves trying new things and learning cool facts. She has taught in an Islamic school setting, has experience assisting children with special needs, and enjoys volunteering and being a part of the community. Miriam lives in Chicago with her beautiful flowering cherry tree and big family.