Your children are bound to try and argue with you. Whether it’s your tiny toddler telling you “no” over and over again simply because they can, your lower elementary kid insisting on dressing themselves in completely weather inappropriate clothing, your pre-teen’s outbursts about how life isn’t fair because you said no to a cell phone, or your 16-year-old wholeheartedly pushing back against your family rules, arguments will come, and they aren’t necessarily a bad thing.
While many of us grew up on the idea that children opposing adults is automatically a sign of disobedience and disrespect, recent studies have shown that as children grow, so does their need for agency over their lives. Research suggests that two factors seem to have a long lasting effect on their self-esteem, mental health, and educational performance - the amount of control a child perceives that they have and the more decisions they feel they are allowed to exercise in their life. 1 2
Of course, no one is advocating that children be allowed to run the family show. Authoritative parenting - parenting that is neither overly permissive (allowing a child to always do as they please) nor overly authoritarian (very strict with a strong demand/expectation on obedience) - has been proven to be a highly successful3 because it encourages parents to set the healthy limits and boundaries that children need to thrive while allowing room for self-direction and learning from natural consequences.
So when we have a child who is trying to exert their agency by arguing a point with us, what we are really looking at is a child trying to learn and grow into their own. The key to helping them learn is by teaching them how to express their opposition respectfully and responsibly.
Here are some suggestions to open up dialogue and develop better communication skills. Making the time to respond in a thoughtful and productive manner will help in both the short- and long-run.
Tell me more.
When a child expresses opposition, there are usually deeper feelings and thoughts brewing under the surface. They may have even practiced the argument in their minds ahead of time in preparation for their approach to you. Automatically shutting the argument down neglects their feelings, increasing negative thoughts and emotions. But inviting them to tell you more about how they’re feeling and what they’re thinking can help diffuse potential tension in the argument and help your child feel comfortable expressing their deeper thoughts to you.
Understanding what is at the root of your child’s argument is important because it reveals your child’s line of reasoning and how they are framing situations in their mind. Having this knowledge can help greatly toward your child feeling validated and being willing to work with you to reach peaceful solutions, even if your child doesn’t get their way.
What’s your logic?
Once a child opens up about their line of thinking, I like to inquire about their logic. This encourages the child to work through their thoughts and reflect on whether their ideas are based in sound reasoning or assumptions.
I’ve had a number of instances with my own kids where they will come to me ready to argue over something and in the process of explaining their position, they realize that their argument is not based in fact, actually makes no sense whatsoever, and they end up laughing out loud and moving on without me having to say a word against them.
Other times their arguments are based entirely on emotional reactions of how they perceive something will be even though they don’t have any first-hand knowledge, research, or experience. Here’s an example from a recent dinner table argument in my home:
My son: “Ugh, purple potatoes?! I HATE purple potatoes. I’m not eating them.”
Me: “Tell me why you hate purple potatoes.”
Son: “Because they’re horrible!”
Me: “Have you ever eaten them before?”
Son: “No.”
Me: “How do you know that they’re horrible if you’ve never eaten them before?”
Son: “Well, I don’t KNOW that they’re horrible, but they probably will be.”
Me: “Why do you think that?”
Son: “Because they’re purple!”
Me: “You eat other things that are purple that you like: purple tortilla chips, purple carrots, purple plums, purple jolly ranchers…”
Son: “Those are different!”
Me: “Why are they different?”
Son: “Because those taste good.”
Me: “These might taste good, too, if you try them.”
Son: “I don’t know.”
Me: “What if I told you that I’ve eaten purple potatoes before and in my experience they taste just like a regular potato?”
Son: “Okay, I’ll try ONE! But if I don’t like it, I’m not eating it.”
*tries one bite of a purple potato*
Me: “So, are they horrible?”
Son: “They’re potatoes. Can you pass the butter?”
While you’re helping your child work through their logic, you can also ask them different questions to consider their evidence. “How do you know?” is an easy one to get them thinking about where their ideas and information come from. Do they have first-hand experience? Did they hear an account from someone they trust? Maybe they read a blog or news article online? Understanding where your children are gathering their ideas from, and how those ideas are being presented is an important part of understanding how your child is forming their opinions about the world and their place within it.
Have you considered a different perspective?
Considering different perspectives is vital for children to engage in respectful argumentation. Not only does it help round out their own positions, but it also helps build understanding and empathy for opposing viewpoints. It’s also a great step toward turning emotional arguments into mature debates and negotiations.
Here is another example. My 11-year-old has wanted a pet for years. We’ve gone through his arguments for it multiple times and he is well-versed with my own arguments against it. Recently, he took what he learned from these encounters and argued a new idea with me to strike a balance between us. He wants us to get a pet that is really a plant, also known as a Venus Fly Trap.
Watching him seamlessly apply his argumentation tactics to negotiating, and truly appreciating his attempt to be considerate of my perspectives, I invited him to create a slide deck on Venus Fly Traps so that I could be better informed before discussing things further. One week later he presented me with a complete slideshow about Venus Fly Traps that included all of the necessary details about their growth, care and the benefits of having one in our home. I had nothing left to argue against, and we are currently in the process of finding a nursery who sells the plant pet.
In their national bestseller, The Self-Driven Child, William Stixrud, Ph.D. and Ned Johnson talk about the importance of allowing children to negotiate:
“Negotiating is a great thing for your kid to know how to do. You want him to learn to advocate for himself and to practice those skills for the real world. If he’s never able to “win” with his parents, he’ll internalize that message. He may be more apt to sneak, lie, or cheat to get what he wants, or to give up pushing back on authority altogether, believing that he has no voice. To improve your legitimacy, you have to show your child that he is being heard.”
Part of teaching our children to argue responsibly and consider others’ perspectives is also being willing to step back and consider theirs, acknowledging that just because you are the parent doesn’t mean that you know it all and that your child’s position may actually be better than your own sometimes.
What solutions have you come up with?
When an argument is expressed, it’s important not to leave the conversations hanging. Children who express themselves to then be ignored or neglected quickly learn to not bother coming to you in the future. But when matters that your child views as important are worked through, then it helps build their comfort and confidence in speaking to you again.
Work together to find a solution. Sometimes the solution is found in simply hearing your child out and validating their feelings, even if they don’t get their way. Other times, specific action needs to be taken. Collaborating with your child to find solutions to their problems is a great way to keep argumentation respectful while building a growth mindset for everybody.
One of my favorite examples of collaborative problem solving comes from the life of Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, when the Quraysh were tasked with rebuilding the Kaabah after it was damaged in a flood. After working together to fix the Kaabah and nearly completing the task, the tribes began to argue over who would be allowed to put the black stone back into its spot. Every tribe wanted the honor of placing the stone themselves and argued over it for days, near to the point of shedding blood.
As the Muhammad was passing by (he was not yet a prophet at this time), the tribes called out to have him decide who would put the stone as he was widely accepted as a trustworthy and honest individual, beloved by all. When the Prophet considered the situation, and considered the perspective of all of the tribes involved, he came up with a solution that worked for everyone by allowing the heads of each tribe to help carry the stone on a cloth while he himself placed it into its holding place in the Kaabah. This way every tribe had a hand in placing the stone.
Additional Questions
A few good questions that can help your child work out reasonable solutions include:
- What is the problem?
- Why is this a problem?
- What can you try to do?
- What do you think would happen if…?
Remember, arguments from your children are not necessarily a bad thing and can reveal a lot about how they think and why. When we view arguments as learning opportunities, we can help our children build the skills they need to argue respectfully and intelligently, improving their self-esteem and sense of agency in their lives.
“Our job as adults is not to force them (children) to follow the track we’ve laid out for them; it’s to help them develop the skills to figure out the track that’s right for them,” (Self-Driven Child).
End Notes
1 Individual differences and the development of perceived control
2 Children's Sense of Control as a Determinant of Adult Health: Causation, Mediation, and Spuriousness
3 The Self-Driven Child, Chapter 3, “It’s Your Call”: Kids as Decision Makers
Melissa Barreto is a home-educating mother of five children and the Co-Founder of Wildflower Homeschool Collective, a homeschool organization based in Northern New Jersey.
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