The sister’s only session at the annual ICNA-MAS convention in Baltimore, Maryland, always draws a huge crowd, and it was no exception this year when it tackled the issue of divorce. Previous topics have included things like marital intimacy in Islam, women’s empowerment, convert care, finding a spouse, domestic violence, and single motherhood. This time the name of the session was appropriately titled “Is There Life After Divorce.” I had the privilege to participate as both an organizer and the moderator. We gathered a panel of four speakers, three of whom were divorced Muslim women. The speakers included convert Jacquelyn Crutchley and subject matter expert Dr. Suzy Ismail and the focus was on divorce and its repercussions.
As expected, the hall was filled with attendees – sisters of all ages and every walk of life imaginable, many of them divorcees themselves. Although it was meant to be an interactive discussion for women only, several men tried making their way through the double doors. When they were ushered out by the sisters, they demanded a similar session for men. It was evident that the topic is a heavy one, but a very important one that has been taboo for far too long.
Divorce in the Muslim Community
It is widely understood that divorce is permitted in Islam but it is not viewed favorably. Divorce carries a stigma in the Muslim community even though it was not uncommon during the life and times of Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him. This may be due in part to the number of traditions that criticize the separation of spouses. Causing a divorce is one of the most celebrated accomplishments of the Shaytan, Satan, as narrated in the following hadith of Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him:
“Verily, Satan places his throne over the water and he sends out his troops. The closest to him in rank are the greatest at causing tribulations. One of them says: I have done this and this. Satan says: You have done nothing. Another one says: I did not leave this man alone until I separated him from his wife. Satan embraces him and he says: You have done well.”
(Muslim)
There are other weaker ahadith that are often cited to discourage divorce, but scholars have explained that there are valid circumstances that merit a separation. For example, Sheikh Ibn Uthaimeen (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
“It is narrated that the Prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, said: “The most hated of permissible things to Allah is divorce.” This hadeeth is not saheeh, but its meaning is sound: Allah hates divorce, but He does not forbid it to His slaves, so as to make things easier for them. If there is a legitimate shari (religiously legislated) or regular reason for divorce, then it is permissible and depends on the likely outcome of keeping this woman as one's wife. If keeping her will lead to something that is contrary to shariah (Islamic law) which cannot be avoided except by divorcing her, such as if the woman is lacking in religious commitment or chastity, and the husband cannot set her straight, then in this case we say that it is better to divorce. But if there is no shari reason or ordinary reason, then it is better not to divorce, rather in that case divorce is makruh (disliked).”
(Liqa at al-bab il-Maftooh, no. 55, question no. 3)
Other reasons why divorce may be discouraged in the Muslim community stem out of fear and concern for reputations, children being affected or corrupted, and dishonor for families. There is also a lack of support for divorcees in Muslim circles, making it more difficult for them to remarry and move on. Divorce is seen as something shameful and abnormal, but this is far from the truth. Dr. Suzy Ismail shared an interesting personal narrative during the “Is There Life After Divorce” session that debunked the theory of divorce only happening in rare cases. She said,
“My husband and I met in college in freshman year Arabic class. During our time in college, I had several close friends who all happened to wind up marrying my husband's close friends. We had all lived the college experience together and when it came time to get married, we coordinated our engagements, weddings, and even honeymoon dates so that we could all be there for one another. After marriage, we all moved into the same apartment complex and pretty much navigated the experience of early marriage and becoming parents together with very similar lived experiences and very similar timelines. Yet, seven years later about 50% of the marriages had ended in divorce. This is when I began to question what made some couples stay together and some couples break apart? My research led to my book, When Muslim Marriage Fails, and my continued research into the field.”
Ismail described what parents would call a “perfect scenario” – Muslim youth meeting their pious potential spouses at the MSA or in a college class and marrying when they graduate. What could possibly go wrong? Yet, these marriages were just as vulnerable, just as fragile as any other marriage taking place under varying circumstances. There were no indicators that these young couples were headed for a break-up. This story really brought to light that no one is immune to divorce and that there is nothing inherently wrong with a person who chooses to divorce for an Islamically permissible reason. It was this lived experience that piqued Ismail’s interest in exploring marriage and divorce. She also delved into communication and interpersonal relationships in her academic studies and has written another book titled Modern Muslim Marriage.
Broken Homes or Healing Families?
Ismail is the Founding Director of Cornerstone, a nonprofit, faith-based communication intervention organization that focuses on youth, family, marriage, identity, socioemotional wellness, and relationship rebuilding. She specializes in educating and empowering women, youth, and vulnerable populations by presenting a range of workshops, lectures, programs, diversity seminars, and corporate trainings, both nationally and internationally. She is also a counselor and mentor and regularly speaks on issues related to the Muslim family, including divorce and blended families. She answered questions related to coping strategies during divorce and how to cope with the transition.
One of the questions that concern couples considering divorce is what will happen to the children – will they be affected? Will they be able to cope with the changes that will inevitably come? One of the questions Dr. Ismail addressed during the presentation was should a Muslim couple stay together for the sake of the children. She responded:
“In working with many teens, young adults, and even newly married couples, I often hear people saying, I wish my parents had gotten divorced rather than subjecting us to an environment that was filled with tension and palpable feelings of negativity. When parents make the decision to stay in a broken marriage ‘for the children,’ oftentimes the children themselves become broken as well. It's not a one size fits all approach. More often than not, staying for the children does not make for a happy home and this can very negatively impact the children even in their own adult relationships later on in life.”
Ismail advised that all parties seek counseling and create a strong support network for themselves and their children. She also strongly encourages using coping strategies like the grounding techniques, dhikhr, and mindfulness to overcome anxiety and negative feelings.
Learning from Divorce
Jacquelyn Crutchley, lead of Embrace Philadelphia, shared her perspective as a two-time divorcee and her story was just as impactful as Dr. Ismail’s collegemates. She married a Muslim man when she was still Christian, but eventually embraced the faith. Ironically, the more she began learning about Islam and putting it into practice, the more her first marriage began to fall apart. After her divorce, she remarried, but that marriage too ended in divorce. Although both marriages were intercultural, Crutchley was able to navigate through the cultural baggage of her two spouses while maintaining her own identity. Her background and studies in sociology and cultural anthropology helped her learn to decipher religion from cultural traditions. However, as a Muslim convert, she faced another set of challenges.
Her perceived “failed” marriages became representative of Islam for her non-Muslim relatives and her faith was placed under a microscope. “My divorces certainly portrayed negatively on my family, in fact afterwards I was asked if I was going to stop being Muslim,” Crutchley, who is also the Senior Administrative Manager for the American Association for Cancer Research, explained. She advises “born” or immigrant Muslims to proceed with caution when entering a marriage with a new Muslim.
“Before getting into a relationship with a convert, spouses need to understand that their family isn't going to read the Quran, they are going to read you. It is an added pressure to be an example to your in-laws, but your behavior toward them is answerable to Allah and can bring them closer or take them further away from Islam. Remember that these in-laws are going to be the grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins to your future children, inshaAllah, if you don't have it in your character to interact positively with them, you may want to reconsider.”
Crutchley also strongly recommends premarital counseling regardless of background. She said, “Premarital counseling will not only help parse our conversations that should happen prior to the (marriage) but it will also show a sense of commitment and seriousness within your potential partner.”
One way to avoid quarrels is getting to know potential suitors by observing their character more than their outward practice of Islam. She stresses that while a person can always pretend to be a practicing Muslim, their character will speak volumes about who they are as a person. She said, “You want to see how your partner reacts to stress, how they get angry, what arguments or disagreements look like, how do they express joy, what are their habits and pet peeves. Whatever timeline you have, try to observe them through all their emotional bandwidth or lack thereof.”
More importantly, before taking any important steps, we must turn to Allah. Crutchley said,
“Be honest with yourself about your intention for marriage and what you want to get out of your partnership and share this with your potential spouse. Pray istikhara (for guidance) and know that whatever comes out of your marriage is goodness as long as your intentions are pure, even if it may end in divorce, only Allah will know the outcome and it is in His hands.” Her final advice was to use the experience of divorce “to grow” and become a better version of yourself as opposed to “living in your grief.”
When answering the question, is there life after divorce, both Jacquelyn Crutchley and Dr. Suzy Ismail, as well as the other panelists, answered, “Absolutely!” Crutchley added that not only is there life after divorce, but there is goodness in it, as well. She said, “Taking the decision to divorce should be done with all precautions, like marital counseling and re-evaluation of priorities. However, once you take that step and you are free from an unhappy, unmatched, perhaps abusive, triggering, or traumatizing marriage, you are free to explore yourself – to bind pieces of you back together, using gold, to become a work of art. When Allah asks you to put something down, He always replaces it with something better.”
There is no greater example for Muslim women in this regard than our mother, Zainab bint Jahsh, may Allah be pleased with her. After an unsuccessful marriage with Zaid ibn Haritha, may Allah be pleased with him, she went on to marry Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him. She led a life of piety and was referred to as the most generous of the Prophet’s wives. (Bukhari, Muslim) She is held in honor and esteem until the Day of Judgement, and in the Hereafter, she will be reunited with the Prophet. There is no reason why our sisters in Islam (or brothers) who have opted to move on from an unhealthy relationship, cannot start over and build a better life for themselves. In their quest for a fresh start, they should count on the support of the Islamic community. In a verse in the Quran related to divorce, Allah reminds us:
“And do not forget kindness among yourselves. Surely Allah is All-Seeing of what you do.”
(Surah Al-Baqarah, 2:237)
Further recommended reading:
When Muslim Marriage Fails by Dr. Suzy Ismail
Modern Muslim Marriage: Finding the Right Match and Making Your Marriage Succeed by Suzy Ismail
Wendy Díaz is a Puerto Rican Muslim writer, award-winning poet, translator, and mother of six (ages ranging from infant to teen). She is the co-founder of Hablamos Islam, a non-profit organization that produces educational resources about Islam in Spanish (hablamosislam.org). She has written, illustrated, and published over a dozen children’s books and currently lives with her family in Maryland. Follow Wendy Díaz on social media @authorwendydiaz and @hablamosislam.
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