“The way we talk to our child(ren) becomes their inner voice.”
You may have seen this quote from Peggy O’Mara, natural parenting advocate, expert, and author, floating in parenting groups or pages you follow on social media. It is a constant reminder for adults to be mindful of the way they speak to children. Whether we are parents, teachers, or caregivers, how we treat those under our care has lifelong consequences. Luckily, we were sent the best guide to demonstrate how to interact with others in the most effective way, our Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him.
Allah says about him in the Quran,
“Indeed, in the Messenger of Allah you have an excellent example for whoever has hope in Allah and the Last Day, and remembers Allah often.”
(Surah Al-Ahzab, 33:21)
Let us see how the one, whom people called Al-Ameen or the truthful, and whose name means the praiseworthy, lived up to his name in his interaction with his followers, both young and old.
As the advice of O’Mara states, our tone with children has a way of shaping their personalities. While they are developing their sense of self, they internalize the harsh criticisms or exaggerated praise of their caretakers. Too much of either can tip the scale and dramatically affect a child’s sense of worth.
The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, treated his followers in such a way that they always felt secure. He would neither insult them, nor overpraise them. Anas ibn Malik, who lived as a servant with the Prophet from a very young age (around 8 years old according to Siyar A’lam An-Nubala, vol. 3, p. 398) reported:
“I served the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, for ten years. By Allah, he never even said to me, ‘Uff!’ He never said harshly, ‘Why did you do that?’ or, ‘Why did you not do that?’”
(Bukhari, Muslim)
In fact, the Prophet taught Anas many lessons that nurtured him into the famous companion and scholar that we learn about today.
When Interacting with People
Anas not only recognized the exceptional manners of the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, in his own dealings with him, but also in how he treated others. In another hadith, he said,
“An Ansari woman came to the Prophet in the company of her children, and the Prophet said to her, ‘By Him in Whose Hand my soul is, you are the most beloved people to me!’ And he repeated the statement thrice.”
(Bukhari)
He would often repeat an advice or commandment to emphasize its importance. We know that when the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, spoke he would utter nothing but the truth. This declaration of love for the Ansar in front of the woman and her children was heartfelt and surely made them feel extremely happy, while instilling in them a sense of loyalty.
He also spoke well about the women of Quraish, saying,
“The women of Quraish are the best women ever to ride camels. They are compassionate towards their children and the most careful with regard to their husbands’ wealth.”
(Fath al Bari)
Whenever he would praise a person, he would make sure to point out their good qualities, so that others may mimic them. When we address those in our care, we should strive to do the same – pointing out their good qualities and praying for them. He always stressed compassion towards children, and he would not criticize people openly and discouraged the companions from overpraising. Once a man came to him and said,
“O Muhammad! O master, son of our master! O best of us, son of the best of us!” He said, “O people, you must be mindful of Allah and do not allow Satan to deceive you. I am Muhammad the son of Abdullah, the servant of Allah and his messenger. By Allah, I do not love for you to raise my position above what Allah Almighty has granted me.”
(Musnad Ahmad)
On another occasion, a man praised another man in the presence of the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him. He told him,
“Woe to you! You have cut your companion’s neck! You have cut your companion’s neck! If one of you inevitably praises his companion, let him say: I consider him to be good and Allah will hold him accountable. I cannot testify to anyone’s purity before Allah, but I consider him good as far as is known.” (Bukhari, Muslim)
Sheikh An-Nawawi, in his explanation of Sahih Muslim, said that this means a person should understand that they do not “decisively know the fate of anyone or their heart, as that has been kept away from us in the Unseen” (Sharḥ al-Nawawi ala Ṣaḥiḥ Muslim).
The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, being the great teacher and father that he was, knew how to make people feel loved without exaggerating. He would smile, treat them with kindness, praise their good qualities, and forgive their shortcomings. For this reason, every one of his companions may have thought he was his favorite person. One day, Amr ibn Al-As, asked the Prophet,
“Which person is most beloved to you?” He responded, “Aisha.” He then asked, “I mean among men.” The Prophet said, “Her father.” So, Amr asked, “Then who?” He responded, “Umar ibn al-Khattab,” and then mentioned some other men.
(Bukhari, Muslim)
The amusing thing about this story is that Amr probably believed that he was the most beloved, and he even built up the courage to ask. Nevertheless, the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, gave him his honest answers because he would never embellish his statements.
The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, was also patient when people made mistakes. Umar ibn Abi Salama was the stepson of the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, narrated about an incident that occurred when he was just a boy under his care. He said,
“My hand used to go around the dish while I was eating. So Allah's Messenger said to me, 'O boy! Mention the Name of Allah and eat with your right hand, and eat of the dish what is nearer to you.’ Since then I have applied those instructions when eating.”
(Bukhari, Muslim)
The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, noticed that he was not practicing good manners at the table, and gently corrected him. Because of his tenderness, Umar ibn Abi Salama remembered this lesson and applied it for the rest of his life.
When Interacting with His Children and Grandchildren
Like Anas ibn Malik and Umar ibn Abi Salama, Aisha, lived with the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, may Allah be pleased with them. She saw firsthand how he interacted with his family and followers. She said,
“Whenever Fatimah (his daughter) came into the room, the Prophet would stand up, welcome her, kiss her, and offer his seat, and whenever he came into the room, she would stand up, take his hand, welcome him, kiss him and offer him her seat…”
(Fath al Bari)
The manner with which the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, dealt with his children was reciprocated in the way they respected and treated him.
This was also the case with his grandchildren. Once, the Prophet brought his young grandson, Al-Hasan ibn Ali, with him to the pulpit and said to the people,
“This son of mine is a sayyid (leader), and I hope that Allah will help him bring about reconciliation between two Muslim groups.”
(Bukhari)
Notice how again, the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, would couple praise with prayer, for it is Allah who bestows the blessings and makes someone worthy of praise. Once Al-Hasan was a young man, this prediction came true and with the great example of his grandfather, he was able to make peace between two opposing parties. This was by the Will of Allah.
Caution about Seeking Praise
The Quran contains a stern warning against those who love to be praised. Allah says,
“Do not let those who rejoice in their misdeeds and love to take credit for what they have not done think they will escape torment. They will suffer a painful punishment.”
(Surah Al-Imran, 3:188)
The righteous predecessors of the believers never sought nor craved praise and attention. Instead, they would practice humility and keep busy in prayer and tahmeed – praising Allah by saying, “Alhamdulillah” (All Praise belongs to Allah). This is a lesson that we should internalize and teach our children and our youth, especially at a time when they crave the attention they get from friends on social media. We should not busy ourselves looking for fame or admiration from others, and instead focus on pleasing our Creator, who is Al-Barr, The Source of All Good, and Al-Hameed, The Praiseworthy.
In the Quran and the Sunnah we see countless examples of how to live our lives in the most excellent manner and how to interact with our loved ones with compassion. Using the methodology of patience and balance of our beloved Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, we can learn to use praise as a positive reinforcer for good behavior in our children. Studying the Seerah and the life of the companions who were closest to him is a great place to start. Children may not come with a manual, but Allah has given us even better tools to know how to raise them. And all praise is to Him alone.
Wendy Díaz is a Puerto Rican Muslim writer, award-winning poet, translator, and mother of six (including a teen and tweens). She is the co-founder of Hablamos Islam, Inc., a non-profit organization that produces educational resources about Islam and culture in Spanish. She is also the Spanish content coordinator for the Islamic Circle of North America’s WhyIslam Project and has also written, illustrated, and published a dozen children’s books. Díaz lives with her husband and family in Maryland.
Add new comment