In a typical household setting or school environment, we often hear admirable remarks such as “great job,” “well done,'' “I'm so proud of you!”. These happen to occur when you appreciate a child for doing something good. This could mean finishing a task independently, behaving well, performing well at school or a sport, etc.
Oftentimes, these verbal statements are accompanied by rewards, which are tangible incentives offered in exchange of a desirable outcome or behavior. These could be a sweet treat, an extra privilege such as getting additional screen or outdoor play time, or maybe even a “surprise” - depending on how impressed you are with your child's performance.
On the contrary, we take the route of punishments to discourage negative behavior and discipline our children. These punishments can take different forms, depending on the parents, their parenting style as well as the nature of the act which needs to be “fixed.” But, generally speaking it involves the withdrawal of incentives and rewards for the child.
It is interesting for parents to take a look into some of the popular theories related to praise, rewards, and punishments.
According to B.F. Skinner
According to B.F. Skinner, famous American psychologist and behaviorist who studied the method of learning, the consequence of a response determines the probability of that behavior/learning to be repeated. He coined this theory as “operant conditioning” (also well known as “instrumental conditioning”). He introduced the term “reinforcement”, which suggests that behavior which is reinforced tends to be repeated or strengthened as opposed to behavior which is punished, and resultantly weakens or dies out.
Reinforcement can be both, positive and negative. However, in both instances rewarding or taking away something is meant to increase the likelihood of positive behavior.
With positive reinforcement, a form of reward is a reinforcing stimulus. For example, when your child memorizes a portion of the Quran, you may choose to celebrate and reward them with a present.
With negative reinforcement, you attach an unpleasant thought or feeling following the adverse behavior. For example, if your child gets into a fight over sharing a toy with another child, you discipline them publicly. So the next time, you can remind the child that they must share in order to avoid that previous experience of shame and embarrassment. This is likely to alter the unpleasant behavior into the future.
Paradoxically, when it comes to punishing children for certain undesirable behaviors, it involves withdrawal of the benefit or reward to decrease the occurrence of that behavior. For example, in the case where the child gets into a fight with another child, instead of disciplining them publicly, you would take away the privilege, that is for them to play with the toy. This would consequently decrease the chances of the negative behavior being repeated again.
Skinner's theory on rewards and punishments makes sense and is widely accepted, however, Alfie Kohn, an American author and lecturer on education, parenting, and human behavior, presents a contradictory perspective on praise, rewards and punishments.
According to Alfie Kohn
Kohn speaks largely against the typical ideology of praise, rewards and punishments. He believes that rewards are just as undesirable as punishment. In his book titled “Punished by Rewards,” he says that rewards and punishments are not opposites — simply two sides of the same coin. And, here is why.
Rewards and punishments are manipulative in nature.
Based on research, rewards and punishments are two different forms of doing things to children as a means of controlling their behavior. As Kohn rightly puts it, most of the time we reward and punish children based on their compliance toward our standards rather than appreciating them for what they have done differently. In other words, we are merely trying to control their behaviors by enticing them with a privilege, surprise or threat for not complying.
Rewards and punishments are aversive in the long run.
Owing to the controlling nature of rewards and punishments, there is a higher chance of developing a dependency on them in the long run. “Do this and you'll get that” or “Do not do this otherwise be prepared for this to happen"- if we think about it, this is not something that we as parents would want our children to grow up with. When doing so, we are training our children to always seek something tangible in order to achieve something.
Rewards and praise undermine risk-taking.
Risk-taking naturally invites curiosity, exploring opportunities, and the chance to learn through failure. However, when we remove all of these natural factors and replace them with a reward, children try to get through the task by putting in the bare minimum effort or they do not push themselves as much as they might otherwise. This may inhibit their willingness to take on challenges.
Rewards and praise cripple intrinsic motivation.
Research based on at least 70 studies has shown that extrinsic motivators which include tangible and intangible (praise) rewards, are counterproductive to intrinsic motivation in the long run. Factors that naturally contribute toward intrinsic motivation in an individual are undermined when we introduce rewards. This can be attributed to the lack of desire to learn when we rely on grades or the motivation to persistently behave well with the administration of treats or constant praise.
When the reward is removed, the individual automatically feels less motivated to continue working with the same level of enthusiasm. As adults, we can easily relate to it, in terms of the monetary benefits or perks that we receive at work, which align with our dedication and commitment.
Rewards and praise overpower interest and creativity.
When we offer a reward in exchange for compliant behavior or completion of a task, we are introducing an extrinsic stimulus to the equation. This not only increases the chances of lowering the quality of the work, but also poses a threat to the interest level and motivation to do the actual task. Let's say you've asked your child to finish their homework and in return you would let them watch their favorite TV show. By all means, the child will try to rush through the task in order to enjoy their favorite show.
Similarly, when it comes to tasks which involve creativity and problem-solving, such as playing with blocks, doing a puzzle, or writing an essay, if we praise our children by saying “good job” or “well done” every time, they become immune to the praise and it subjugates their creativity. They begin to take pride in tasks that are merely challenging and/or repetitive.
According to Islamic Guidance
Following the teachings from the Quran and Sunnah, the authority to reward or punish an individual based on their acts, rests entirely with Allah. This is sufficient to say that the rewards that one receives for carrying out good deeds are not necessarily the natural consequences of those acts. In fact, it is by virtue of Allah's graciousness and benevolence that He decides to reward the individual whether in this world or in the Hereafter.
Similarly, when it comes to punishments, we commonly assume that the natural outcome for engaging in wrongdoings is facing the wrath of Allah and the removal of His blessings. However, it is up to Allah alone to punish the individual for his sins or to pardon him. This again, is owing to the supreme characteristic of Allah's mercy.
In Surah Taha, the Quran mentions,
"The hour is sure to come. My will is to keep it hidden so that every soul may be rewarded according to their efforts."
(Surah Taha, 20:15)
This goes on to prove that Allah has established the concept of rewards and punishments, so that we may be inspired through motivation and encouragement to follow the right path, as opposed to the potential risk of not adhering to His commands. As believers, our greatest motivation and strength comes through the remembrance of Allah and not by means of seeking temporary rewards.
Practical Parenting Tips
Irrespective of how differently we feel in terms of balancing the use of rewards, praise and punishments, it might be worth looking into some practical ways to help us administer their use in everyday life.
1. Using praise for encouragement.
Rather than passing on hollow remarks such as “well done” or “brilliant job,” on the completion of a task or for showing good behavior, it might serve better to praise children for their effort. When we give positive feedback, it is more like passing on information to the receiver. This in itself is not destructive. In fact, it helps the child feel acknowledged and is likely to help retain their interest in the task by way of encouragement.
2. Engaging in purposeful conversations.
When a child displays unacceptable behavior, rather than seeking a route through rewards or punishments, it might be helpful to engage in purposeful conversations. For instance, if your child refuses to tidy up their room, you try and make them understand why it is important to keep the room tidy by showing them how and why you like to keep the kitchen organized (so that we can easily find what we need). So, instead of introducing an external stimulus in the form of a reward for tidying up or punishment for not complying, you are making them aware of the benefits of doing something good.
3. Seeking alternatives to rewards and praise.
Instead of choosing tangible rewards to appreciate and encourage positive behavior, we should try and seek nonverbal means of praising and encouraging our children. These could take the form of positive gestures such as a thumbs-up, high-five, a reassuring hug or even just a smile! By adopting simpler ways of acknowledging goodness, we can make our children less dependent on extrinsic motivators which may otherwise be damaging in the long run.
4. Praising the process.
Rather than focusing attention on the finished product (i.e. the task or deed), praising the child for their strengths will help develop a greater sense of pride and self-confidence in them. It is also more likely to result in the recurrence or further strengthening of those abilities or attitudes. We must also be careful not to exaggerate our praise, however, and keep it real so that we are able to maintain our child's interests and simultaneously promote problem solving and creativity.
5. Loving unconditionally.
No matter what, children deserve unconditional love and a caring atmosphere. When parents use punishment as a means of altering children's behavior, it might work in terms of temporary obedience but leaves a greater impact on their moral conscience. If parents are constantly scolding, criticizing or comparing their children to others, the home environment will never be conducive to learning because the children will develop an inferiority complex and never see themselves worthy of doing good in order to be praised.
Also, by introducing tangible rewards as an alternative to punishment, we are not motivating our children to do the right thing. In fact, we are merely motivating them to do the right thing in order to get the reward.
We must reflect on our own parenting and determine how best to use praise, rewards and punishments to help raise our children to be more responsible, caring and empathetic individuals.
Umm Ahmed is an early childhood educator and writer who is passionate about seeking knowledge and passing it on to others. She and her husband are parents to three boys and are currently living in Abu Dhabi.
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