Many of us find ourselves practicing the strenuous task of pacifying our children every now and then. This could be over issues such as: being afraid of a bug, not getting along with a friend at school on a certain day, not meeting the homework deadline or when trying out a new skill such as riding a bike for the first time. It may also be that the child is experiencing a rather difficult time accepting a certain situation, whereby the issue is a little more serious and complex such as that concerning transitions - particularly arrival of a new sibling, coping with a change in family dynamics or being in a new situation altogether.
First, let’s agree that regardless of what the issue at hand is, it is very common and normal for all human beings to worry. Even animals worry - when they sense danger or when they need to look for food. This clearly suggests that Allah as our Creator designed us with a conscious mind that is bound to experience a full range of emotions. It is the way we handle these emotions that allows us to overcome our fears, worries and anxiety. And this is exactly what we need to do when it comes to helping our children deal with all of these emotional triggers!
Do's And Don'ts of Handling Childhood Anxiety
As a parent, it is very important that we keep our calm when helping children manage their emotions and distresses. The objective should be to help them recognize and acknowledge their own feelings in order to achieve a greater sense of self-awareness and understanding.
Here are some practices that we can adopt to help our children manage anxiety in a more effective manner.
1. DON’T avoid things just because they make your child anxious.
It is common for parents to feel protective towards their children. However, in that process we often tend to remove natural outcomes or consequences from their lives, which leaves them getting accustomed to finding the easier way out by avoiding situations altogether. For example, if a child feels nervous being around too many people, the easiest way to control that situation for the child would be for the parents to avoid large gatherings. Although this might bring ease to the child's life in the short run, it will hinder the normal process of social development, which can result in further problems associated with social anxiety for the child in the long run.
DO what it takes to help your child manage the situation. The goal shouldn’t be to dismiss the child's feelings or to avoid them, but to help them learn to manage their emotions. So in the above case,it would be better to continue to socialize with others in familiar and unfamiliar settings, but at the same time understand your child's needs, acknowledge their emotions, and address them appropriately. This will help the child to adapt to new situations and teach him how to join in and play with others.
We do not always need to speak to show that we understand what our children are going through. It may simply take a reassuring gesture such as a hug, a pat on the back or an encouraging remark to gain their attention and approval. That may be just enough to encourage him mingle with somebody of the same age in an unfamiliar environment.
2. DON’T reinforce your child’s fears.
Sometimes, it is not by way of our words but rather our body language which signals signs of approval of the child's fears as standing valid, in their place. For example, if a child is scared of the dark, we will remind them to switch on the light before heading into a dark room or we will escort them ourselves to safety. This will only result in those behaviors becoming ingrained in our child's subconscious mind and ultimately their personality.
DO respect their feelings, but don’t fuel them. We must be careful in helping children identify and recognize their feelings, so as not to redirect their tendency to withdraw but rather to provide them with a safe, secure and understanding environment where they can learn to express their fears openly. The right amount of support and encouragement from those they trust will help support the anxious or frustrated child to gradually face and overcome their own.
3. DON’T investigate the matter unnecessarily.
Control the urge to ask your child questions relating to their issues which may otherwise trigger their emotions in a negative way. For instance, if you know that your child has been unkind to their brother/sister because you overheard them while you were working in the kitchen, do not confront them unless they or the sibling brings it up. This will only provoke the child to feel even more jealous of their sibling, because of your show of concern for them, regardless of who was right or wrong in the first place. Many times, in such cases, it is the parent's reaction that the child wants to observe and hold onto that feeds their anxiety and concerns.
DO encourage the child to endure their anxiety. This one is definitely easier said than done and requires a great deal of self-motivation and patience from the parents perspective. In that case, we can remind ourselves of the rightful duties that we owe to our children, one of them being supporting them emotionally through tough times. Although the best and most convenient way to do this may seem to be by making duaa for them, we must still try and encourage our children to learn to be more tolerant. Stories can serve as a great means for achieving that. These could be stories from Seerah - lessons learnt from the life of our beloved Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, or even snippets from our own personal reflections.
It is worth mentioning here that there are so many supplications the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, taught us to use during times of worry and anxiety. One such narration which is bound to lighten one's heart is,
“If any servant of Allah afflicted with distress or grief makes this supplication, his supplication will be accepted: ‘O Allah, I am Your servant, son of Your servant, son of Your maidservant. My forehead is in Your hand. Your command concerning me prevails, and Your decision concerning me is just. I call upon You by every one of the beautiful names by which You have described Yourself, or which You have revealed in Your book, or have taught anyone of Your creatures, or which You have chosen to keep in the knowledge of the unseen with You, to make the Qur’an the delight of my heart, the light of my breast, and remover of my griefs, sorrows, and afflictions‘.”
(Ahmad & Ibn Hibban)
A good way to go about it could be to practice doing so together by taking time to reflect on the day before going to bed and then making a small duaa (in similar context).
4. DON’T assume that they’ll work things out on their own.
Again, this goes on to reiterate the fact that we must never disregard the child's feelings. Creating avenues and opportunities for them to express themselves without the fear of being snubbed and judged is what the child seeks through validation from a parent.
It is also common for parents to leave things for the child to sort out by themselves, after having addressed the issue once in the past. This is not a good idea because there may have been certain angles which were left unaddressed in the past, and for which the child needs help to clarify the confusion in their head.
DO take time out to think things through with the child. Always encourage positive thinking and stay optimistic by hoping and praying for the best. The best way to do that would be to model it continually in your actions and thoughts so that your child can observe and gain inspiration from you.
Anas, may Allah be pleased with him, said that when the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, was faced with a serious difficulty, he would always supplicate,
As parents, we have to strive and juggle through different ways to find the best way to support our children. It surely isn't easy, but then there is immense reward in the process of working towards it, SubhanAllah. The Quran mentions,
“Your wealth and your children are only a trial, whereas Allah, with Him is a great reward (Paradise).” (Surah at-Taghabun 64:15)
The above are mere suggestions for parents to help support their child(ren) through anxiety. It is true that one size does not fit all, but what would probably be best for each one of us would be to start off by recognizing and acknowledging the fears and worries that reside within them. From there on, we can then move towards adapting our parenting style to match their temperament, so as not to fuel their anxiety further. Modelling healthy ways of handling anxiety is a great way to go about it, too. Our Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, said:
“The affair of the believer is amazing in that it is always good for him, and this is true only for a believer. If something joyful comes to him he gives thanks, and that is good for him. If something harmful comes to him, he is patient, and that is good for him.” (Muslim)
Umm Ahmed is an early childhood educator and writer who is passionate about seeking knowledge and passing it onto others. She and her husband are parents to three boys and are currently living in Abu Dhabi.
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