During the teenage years, our children become increasingly independent. Adolescence is a dress rehearsal to prepare for the real world – adulthood. As scary as it is, our children are growing up. While we, as parents, may be inclined to continue babying them, the reality is our parenting must evolve just as much as our children. As they mature, it is up to us to respond to the changes they are experiencing with patience and wisdom. Too many restrictions may lead to rebellion, while too much freedom may lead them astray.
Islam teaches us to approach all things with moderation to maintain a healthy balance. Allah says in the Quran,
“Thus, We have made you a justly balanced community that you will be witnesses over the people and the Messenger will be a witness over you.”
(Surah Al-Baqarah, 2:143)
Two wonderful books that I recommend about dealing with the youth from an Islamic perspective are Child Companions Around the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) compiled by Darussalam Publications and With the Heart in Mind: The Moral and Emotional Intelligence of the Prophet (S) by Mikaeel Ahmed Smith.
In a previous article, I also mentioned the book Yes Your Teen is Crazy by Dr. Michael J. Bradley. Publishers Weekly has called his work, “An invaluable parachute for parents diving into the teen years.” It can certainly feel as frightening as jumping out of a plane. Whenever I hear mothers talk about their experiences with their teens, I suggest they add Bradley’s book to their arsenal of parenting literature.
Here are five things to keep in mind when fostering healthy teen independence based on the Quran, Sunnah, and some of the books mentioned:
1. Teen Aggression
Bradley mentions in his book that our teens are going through a lot of neurological, hormonal, and physical changes that may cause them to lash out. This transformation is compounded by environmental factors and societal expectations. When we are mindful enough to take these things into consideration, we can begin to tackle unwanted behavior in ways that our children can accept and internalize. We should remain calm, give them a chance to calm down, and respond gently (no yelling).
There was an incident in which the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, was hosting some companions in the house of Aisha, may Allah be pleased with her. When another one of his wives sent a dish of food to her home, she became jealous and broke the dish out of anger. Understanding the situation, the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, picked up the two broken halves of the dish and gave it to his companions, saying: “Eat your food, it is just the jealousy of your mother.” He then took a dish from Aisha to send as a replacement to the other wife. (Sunan Al Nasai) The Prophet used his emotional intelligence to deescalate the situation.
Like Bradely suggests in his book, he kept his cool and modeled appropriate behavior with his wife, who was a young lady at that time, and companions. There are numerous other examples of how the Prophet dealt with aggression, always seeking to teach his followers to rein in negative emotions.
2. Changes in Appearance
As they interact with their peers more, begin to form meaningful relationships, and discover their own interests, our children may begin experimenting with different styles of clothing, hairdos, and other fashion trends. Do not panic! If they are not doing anything blatantly impermissible in Islam, we should give them the flexibility to express themselves.
Bradley said hair, clothes, and other fashion trends are all “psychologically harmless expressions of identity exploration that are actually critical steps in your kid’s journey to figuring out who he/she is.” Our job is providing our children with a healthy environment to instill in them the confidence they need to be unapologetically Muslim. Besides, fads come and go; one day, they may want to dress one way and completely differently the next.
Offer halal and temporary alternatives to offensive or extreme styles – if your child likes tattoos, offer them a henna design; if they want to dye their hair pink, buy them some wash-away colored hair gel; if they take an interest in music, suggest some nasheeds or screen the type of music they listen to, gently letting them know what is and what is not acceptable. The point is, choose your battles, so you don’t lose your battles.
3. Screen Time
It is no secret that too much screen time is detrimental to our children’s health and development. If we do not establish boundaries early, excessive TV binging, internet, and social media can strain relationships between parents and teens even further. However, since we are talking about teen independence, rather than restrict, we must think of ways our children can learn to recognize and understand how screen time affects their wellbeing.
Teenagers use their electronic devices similarly to the way their parents used their landlines and computers when they were teens – to communicate with peers and for entertainment purposes. Since children of today rarely have opportunities to speak with friends over the phone or visit each other’s homes, they tend to interact through their devices. Just as we are no longer speaking over the landline with our best friends for hours, our teens will not be playing Minecraft for the rest of their lives! Eventually, they will outgrow their bad habits, so why fight with them now?
According to Bradley, we should instead monitor their usage, remind them to take breaks, give them opportunities to participate in activities outdoors, and negotiate with them about how much screen time they can have each day. Seek their opinion when establishing ground rules. Ask questions like, “How much time do you think is appropriate for you to spend on your phone each day?” Their answers may surprise you.
4. Choosing Friends
Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, said,
“A man is upon the religion of his best friend, so let one of you look at whom he befriends.” (Al-Tirmidhi)
In other words, be careful who your friends are. Hopefully, we have taught our children the importance of keeping good company, both by teaching them Prophetic advice and leading by example. Nevertheless, sometimes, our children may befriend someone we do not approve of. Be easy on them and realize that, as much as people say, “best friends forever,” after high school most people tend to go their separate ways.
Interestingly, Bradley acknowledges that while adolescents may be susceptible to peer pressure, it is important that they be allowed to choose their friends. He says, “part of identity-building is done by allowing your kid to make her own peer choices whenever possible, and exposure to troubled kids can be a critical part of learning about good choices.” Helping them develop their identity – by teaching them early on about Islam, being proud of their faith, and enjoining the good and forbidding the evil – means they will know who to befriend.
5. Questioning Religion
As our children age, interact with others, and go to high school and college, they may begin to question their faith. Teenagers are learning about the world around them and fortunately, growing more empathetic. They may be thinking more about injustice and equality, or curious about other religions and cultures.
Bradley mentions that in the adolescent years, as their brains develop, they begin asking theological questions. He said, “Your best defense of your religious values is to live them and display them to your child. Those qualities such as patience, tolerance, understanding, and open-mindedness will go a long way towards teaching your kid the value of your faith.”
This advice is in line with the Quranic guidance in which Allah encourages us to think for ourselves,
“Have they not reflected upon their own being? Allah only created the heavens and the earth and everything in between for a purpose and an appointed term. Yet most people are truly in denial of the meeting with their Lord!”
(Surah Ar-Rum, 30:8)
Instead of being upset that our children have questions, we should welcome their interest and aid them in looking for answers. Perhaps, their curiosity will lead them to reading more about Islam. Gently encourage them to pick out books from your own library about the life of the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, the signs of the Day of Judgement, and the unseen.
There will inevitably be a lot of ups and downs as you and your teen learn to become independent of one another. For the parent, it is a time to grieve the loss of the sweet, innocent baby who depended on them for their most basic needs. But it is also a celebration of seeing what they have become. For the child, it is a rediscovery – a first step into adulthood and beyond. By using hikmah or wisdom, parents can ensure that their bond with their children will never be broken, instead they will grow to appreciate their efforts and sacrifice.
Wendy Díaz is a Puerto Rican Muslim writer, award-winning poet, translator, and mother of six (including a teen and tweens). She is the co-founder of Hablamos Islam, Inc., a non-profit organization that produces educational resources about Islam and culture in Spanish. She is also the Spanish content coordinator for the Islamic Circle of North America’s WhyIslam Project and has also written, illustrated, and published a dozen children’s books. Díaz lives with her husband and family in Maryland.
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