What Type of Parent Are You?

This is the second in a series of excerpts from “The Perfect Muslim Child: A Holistic Approach to Raising a Balanced Child” by Nargis Naqvi. 

If your child wants to be left alone, leave them alone for sometime but also be kind to them. If they cry too often or get angry a lot, give them a hug, buy them chocolate or give them their space. This phase will pass and they will realize that through their dark times you were there for them. They will respect you more in later years and your relationship will become better.

Often times mothers yell at their daughters a lot at this stage because all of a sudden their expectations are raised. The same sweet little girl who was cute becomes this young version of themselves and they expect them to become really responsible young ladies. Depending on the type of culture you come from, you either expect the girls to start taking over the kitchen or expect a lot of responsibility in some form or fashion. The main motivator for some moms is comparison to another friend’s child. You can’t go more wrong than that. Ask yourself how you would feel if your daughter or son came home and said, “Why can’t you cook as good as Sara’s mom? Why can’t you be as friendly as Ahmed’s mom? Why…..?” Yeah, not a good feeling right?

Then there are the chilled out mothers who want to be so friendly and don’t want to be the typical mother stereotype, or are running away from being like their own mothers that they forget to instill responsibility and discipline in their child completely. Their children walk all over them, tell them off for things, make them buy completely inappropriate things, and these mothers whine to others about their children not being in their control but never know how to control them. One often wonders who is controlling who.

The same thing can be said for men. Fathers either start expecting their sons to man up or start being their buddy and lose all self‐respect by acting like young yuppies in front of their sons. They are either trying to ‘straighten’ them up or trying to be their best friends. Either everything is haram or girl talk becomes a norm.

It’s all about striking a balance. First of all, no matter how friendly you get, there is never going to be any doubt in anyone’s mind, yours or your child’s, that you are the parent. If they take your friendly nature to heart and come to you and say they skipped class and went across the road with friends to smoke, you will scream at them and there goes that friendship! If you push them in a corner by being too strict then you completely alienate them and they can never confide in you for anything, hence taking their problems to others who may not be as wise or sincere in their advice. On the other hand, if you say nothing at all then they start doing it more often and think you are cool with it.

I have caught myself once or twice getting upset because my daughter wanted to show me something cool and it was a video of some singer that I found a complete waste of time, not to mention inappropriate. But then I realized that my negative reaction would mean she would never show me what she is watching and I would never know. I don’t like snooping on my children at this stage because to be a friend one must learn to trust them.

So what does it mean to become their friend? What do you do? How does one strike that balance of parenthood and being friends with their children? It’s almost as if you are hanging from a pendulum. Going one way and then the next. It’s hard to let go and it’s disastrous hanging on.

First of all, understanding your own life as a parent is very important. Decide what kind of parent/friend you want to be. Then determine what type of personality you have. Are you the easy-going kind? Are you the strict kind that gets anxious about things? Are you afraid of the big bad world out there? Do you trust your children? Do you trust their abilities in defending themselves and taking care of themselves? And do you think so far you have done a good job raising them?

What would a good friend do? A good friend would not get upset but would certainly put it out there that behavior that harms their friend, like smoking or skipping class, would be detrimental to their well-being. Telling your child that you had taught them to think for themselves using Allah as a guide should have made them think twice before they did what they did. Without giving a huge lecture, just let them know that you are disappointed but don’t get upset or mad with them. Continue being their friend, leaving them feeling a bit guilty at what they did.

If you have past baggage from your own childhood that you are carrying around, learn to first solve that. Don’t let it reflect on your children’s upbringing. First, solve your issues either on your own or by talking to someone and figuring out a good balance. There is a stigma attached with going to a therapist in a lot of cultures. We need to let our emotions out without backbiting. The best way to do that is to go to a professional who can help you.

I have seen women who never got along with their mothers. As mothers themselves they are either giving in to all their children’s demands so they don’t turn out like them, or become just like their mothers themselves, causing another generation to grow up with the same issues. Understand yourself, decide what you want, then turn around to create your perfect Muslim child.

I have also seen several men whose father’s were so strict that as soon as they became fathers they let go of parenting and took a backseat, never even asking the kids how they are doing in school. By the time they realized that their sons are into nothing but bumming around and daughters just want to party, it was too late to do anything. The opportunity to make something out of their lives was gone.

Here is a list of personality types. Circle the ones you know define you. Be honest. Then write them out separately and construct a sentence about how you will let that trait go. For example,  If you circled possessive as a negative trait then you should write: I will not smother my child by being overly possessive. I will learn to let go.

Remember: The only people who run away from you are the ones you are chasing. If something is meant to be yours it will stay yours no matter what. So work on your anxiety issues and learn to let go from time to time.

Once again, I can’t state this enough: Do Not Underestimate The Power Of Dua! If you can do a few tahajjud prayers to make dua for your children’s righteousness, for your own balance, for the happiness in your home, please make the effort.

Nargis Naqvi is also a life coach, founder of MY Voice Canada (an online magazine run by and for Muslim youth), and the Director of Training at the Sound Vision Foundation. She lives with her husband and three children in Ontario. You can purchase her book The Perfect Muslim Child on Amazon.