Kids of All Ages Need Positive Attention

At all stages of our lives, we are learning. But did you know that more learning takes place during the ages of birth to five than all the other lived years combined! The process of learning to master our bodies, acquire language, interact with others, and more is hard work. Recognizing that is the key to also understanding the need for positive attention along the way.

Children are taking cues 24/7 about not only the world they live in but about their value and worth, too. They need to make sense of their daily experiences and relationships to build a positive self-image. Parents and primary caregivers play a huge role here and it is one that is worthy of our utmost attention and consideration.

All children flourish when they are in an environment where they are supported, encouraged,  and valued. When children receive loving messages and when their feelings and opinions are respected, they are likely to have a positive image of themselves and to feel confident about interfacing with the world they live in. On the contrary, if they are constantly criticized and their feelings rarely taken into consideration, there will be negative consequences for their self-esteem and more.

Hence, there is an enormous need for parents and caregivers to show a great deal of positive attention at all stages of a child’s life. But parenting is filled with frustrations along the way, and it is not always easy to be positive. A deeper dive into the topic may help to keep positivity on your radar screen.

What is Positive Attention?

Positive attention is the way to show love and warmth to a child. It can be generally shown to children of every age as:

• Giving a smile (a double bonus for a Muslim as we know this is also considered a charity!).
• Making eye contact and using caring facial expressions.
• Providing physical affection, like hugging and kissing, cuddling while watching TV or reading a book.
• Paying attention and listening closely when your child talks to you.
• Using words of encouragement, especially when they are learning a new skill.
• Showing attention toward a child’s interests and activities..
• Celebrating achievements.
• Creating family rituals that you can share together.

All of our children will need love and guidance. And all of these positive actions can be found in the example set forth by our beloved Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him. Focusing on positive attention can help your child develop a strong sense of being loved and feeling secure. This can make them more receptive to the times when there is a need for instruction and constructive feedback or when our own frustration doesn’t leave much room for positivity.

There are ways to show positive attention that vary by age. Here are some tips for children from newborns to teens.

For Newborns and Babies:

This is a precious time for parents and the newborn. While babies are not able to communicate back to us in ways we can always understand, it is very important for parents and caregivers to engage them at this time with loving care and with communication. Be sure to:

• Smile when your baby smiles at you.
• Hold them close to encourage bonding and a sense of security.
• Comfort your baby when s/he cries.
• Respond to the sounds your baby makes by saying something in return.
• Chat about what’s going on around you.
• Notice what your baby is interested in and encourage him/her to explore.

For Toddlers:

From ages 1 to 4 years, children are understanding more of what you say and also communicating more with their words. It is especially important now to offer as much positive attention as possible in the following ways:

• Be present in the moment (sometimes this will mean meeting them at their level, even if it is on the floor!).
• Make time for talking together, without distraction or time limits.
• Make descriptive comments on what your child is doing that validate his/her actions rather than offer criticism.
• Use “I” statements to describe what you like about what they are doing. 

For Elementary Schoolers:

From ages 5 through 9 years, children are expanding the world they live in by spending time away from home. Even though other adults like teachers and caregivers will be important in their lives, parents still play the primary role in their development, especially in how they feel about themselves. Be sure to:

• Listen when your child wants to talk with you (whenever that time arises).
• Ask your child to tell you one good thing that happens every day; even on the most challenging of days, you can help them find something positive.
• Keep the conversation going by asking questions rather than making judgments.
• Help your child have positive interactions with others (this is especially challenging and important with siblings).
• When offering constructive feedback, be sure to provide positive messages at the same time.

For Tweens:

From ages 10 through 12 years, children are very sensitive and there should be a great deal of consideration to provide as much positive attention as possible. Make an effort to:

• Be on the lookout for something to praise. In these instances, be descriptive and use “I” statements.
• Before correcting your child, be sure to ask yourself: does it really matter or could I just let it go?
• Make time for something they like to do, such as a game or activity.
• Invite them to help you with daily tasks, such as cooking.
• Give them age-appropriate chores or responsibilities that convey their contributions are important to the family.
• Seek help if your daily interactions are negative and it is hard for you to feel positive about your child and/or your parenting.

For Teens:

Teens, ages 13-19, are likely to put every bit of your focus on positive attention to a test. It is important to keep your eyes on the prize - of raising a healthy and productive adult - and muscle the energy to attend to the details. Here are some tips for staying positive, even in challenging times:

• Be a positive role model yourself (your child will be listening and also watching your every move!).
• Set clear rules about behavior and involve your teens in that discussion (be sure language is positive rather than just a list of don’ts).
• When rules are not followed, respond in a calm, firm, and consistent manner.
• Encourage self-reflection.
• Use descriptive praise as a powerful motivator, focusing on positive behavior and responsible choices.
• Share your own feelings honestly.
• Have realistic expectations and help your children learn with their mistakes. 
• Respect your child’s need for privacy.
• Keep a sense of humor and make time for family fun!

Remember, from birth to adulthood, your child’s feelings of safety and security are shaped by your interactions and communication with them. Parenting is hard work and your relationship with your child is built over a lifetime. Starting strong and focused sets a great foundation and there are always opportunities for improvement. Be sure offering positive attention is at the top of your to-do list every day.