Do you remember when you became a parent for the first time? Chances are that you look back on that period with nostalgia despite any uncertainties you faced. Nothing can prepare a new mother or father for the sleepless nights, the constant diaper changes, around-the-clock feedings, sponge baths, and the complex changes that come with parenting. There are not enough books, brochures, or unsolicited advice that can truly summarize everything that new parents experience when they first bring home that bundle of joy.
Just when you think that things cannot get more complicated, your baby grows into a walking and talking human. As the days, months, and years pass, each new age introduces a new set of challenges. Yet, with all these difficulties, comes a lifetime of unconditional love and commitment. Parenting continues even when your children are adults, but you would not change a thing.
If you speak to any veteran mother who has raised her children into adulthood, they will caution you with the same advice: “Parenting does not get any easier as children get older.” I have heard it time and time again from many mothers of varying backgrounds and ethnicities. The fears, the guilt, and the hard work does not end for committed parents. Muslim parents have an added stressor when it comes to their adult children – keeping their feet planted and firm on the Straight Path. They carry a unique responsibility when it comes to educating their children with proper religious understanding and moral behavior. Allah warns us in the Quran:
“O you who have believed, protect yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel is people and stones, over which are [appointed] angels, harsh and severe; they do not disobey Allah in what He commands them but do what they are commanded.”
(Surah At-Tahrim, 66:6)
The consensus among many parents is that just as our children grow and evolve in their quest for independence, so must our approaches to parenting. When they are infants, toddlers, and preschoolers, parents take on a nurturing role. Once they start school, the parent becomes a teacher. As they approach maturity, the parent’s role is more of a trusted friend. Adulthood for Muslim children begins when they reach the age of accountability or puberty as mentioned in the following hadith. Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, said:
“The Pen has been lifted from three: from the child until he reaches puberty, from the sleeper until he wakes up, and from the one who has lost his mind until he recovers.”
(Abu Dawud)
Once the Pen begins recording a child’s deeds, it is a parent’s hope that they have laid a strong enough foundation that their child will hold themselves accountable for their actions. It is at this point when the parent transitions into the role of an advisor rather than a teacher.
Sabriyya Ocasio is a former educator and mother of four living in Chicago, Illinois. She has three boys, ages 23, 20, and 18, and one daughter who is 10. Her eldest son is now living on his own while studying in California. She believes that the greatest tool a parent has once their children have reached adulthood is prayer. As you assume the role of advisor, she said, “Your prayer is your best friend because you are no longer in control. That becomes your test; can you trust in Allah and know that your prayers are all that you have?”
She says that once children are past a certain age, they are adults, and they will make mistakes, “You may not like what comes after, but you must step away.” Her opinion is supported in the Quran wherein even Prophets and Messengers were concerned for their adult children. Think about Prophet Nuh, peace be upon him, when he called on his son to board the ship, but he refused.
“He replied, ‘I will take refuge on a mountain, which will protect me from the water.’ Noah cried, ‘Today no one is protected from Allah’s decree except those to whom He shows mercy!’ And the waves came between them, and his son was among the drowned.”
(Surah Hud, 11:43)
Imagine how devastated the Prophet Nuh was, peace be upon him, when he witnessed the death of his own, who died a disbeliever in the crashing waves of Allah’s promised punishment. Even the Prophet was overcome with emotion, and he prayed to Allah:
“Noah called out to his Lord, saying, ‘My Lord! Certainly, my son is ˹also˺ of my family, Your promise is surely true, and You are the most just of all judges!’”
(Surah Hud, 11:45)
Yet Allah reminded him that the guidance was no longer in his hands. He said:
“Allah replied, ‘O Noah! He is certainly not of your family – he was entirely of unrighteous conduct. So do not ask Me about what you have no knowledge of! I warn you so you do not fall into ignorance.’”
(11:46)
When he was reprimanded, Prophet Nuh, peace be upon him, came to his senses, and sought Allah’s forgiveness, and subsequently, he and everyone aboard the ship were delivered to safety.
Ocasio said, “Parents will always worry. Watching them wrestle with the wrong idea is painful because you have no control whether they accept (the truth) or not.” Although a parent’s job as a nurturer or educator may be over, their advice and prayers must remain constant.
Any negative interaction that our children experience at this age can have a huge impact on how they view themselves and the world around them. This is the time for guidance paired with compassion and patience. More than ever, we have to display the prophetic qualities of kindness, understanding, and positivity. The society around them is telling them that it is wrong to be Muslim, that it is backwards. So, we must show them the opposite – that Islam is a positive driving force that teaches them balance and keeps them in line with what Allah wants from them. Ocasio pointed out, “Everything outside of us is fighting against us – whatever we teach at home vs. the society outside. It’s only natural for them to question. To find the truth, you have to question, but watching the questioning is hard.”
Indeed, Allah demands of us that we ponder over the creation to reaffirm our faith in many verses. Through this contemplation, our children will choose their own path just as we chose ours. As much as we hate to see them suffer, make mistakes, or even stray, they will be tested. Allah says in the Quran:
“Do people think once they say, ‘We believe,’ that they will be left without being put to the test? We certainly tested those before them. And ˹in this way˺ Allah will clearly distinguish between those who are truthful and those who are liars.”
(Surah Al-Ankabut, 29:2-3)
Parents must be especially aware of how they interact with young adult children. If we are harsh and strict, they may rebel and associate Islam with rigidity, censure, and authoritarianism. All of these oppose the so-called freedom that secular societies promise the youth when they break away from their Islamic values. Care must be taken to not provide ammunition to the already negative attitudes that exist about the Muslim community.
Ocasio believes that keeping the lines of communication open between parents and adult children is critical. She said, “Fight to constantly create opportunities to talk to them. If you are traveling somewhere, take the long route. Drive an hour to and an hour back for a 15-minute meal. This will give you an opportunity to talk.” These conversations in which both sides can ask questions will provide meaningful results. While Ocasio says we can never be perfect parents, making a commitment to have one-on-one time can make a huge difference in your relationship with your child or children.
Aside from building a good relationship with your adult child, they should also be provided with opportunities to learn about Islam on their own. Youth group meetings, classes in the local masjid, Islamic conferences, retreats, aalim programs, and educational institutes that provide room and board are great options for youngsters to explore Islamic topics without fear of judgment. Additionally, they can learn alongside others their age and ask questions they may be too shy to ask their parents or relatives. Ocasio reiterates that community and mentorship “is huge” when it comes to raising young adult Muslims.
To summarize, adult children need:
- To be treated like adults
- To be advised but not cocooned
- To work out their own problems and learn from their mistakes
- To be given space and time to think independently
- To have opportunities to communicate their needs
- To learn their religion in a comfortable setting
- To ask questions and explore topics with others their age
A parent’s job never ends, and they will always worry about their child no matter what. It is important that parents practice self-care and put their trust in the Almighty. Allah says in the Quran:
“And seek help through patience and prayer. Indeed, it is a burden except for the humble.” (Surah Al-Baqarah, 2:45)
In the verse that comes before this, Allah reprimands those who preach righteousness and forget to practice it themselves. This is a reminder for parents that if we want excellence from our children, we should strive for excellence, beginning with our worship.
Adult children are entering a period in their lives where they are experiencing the pressures of college, preparing for marriage, getting a job, earning money, and saving to start a family or to care for their families. Rather than add to their stress, parents should seek ways to ease their worries and provide them with the support they need. Abdullah Ibn Umar, may Allah be pleased with him, reported that the Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, said:
“Every one of you is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock.”
(Bukhari, Muslim)
He explained further that the father and mother are responsible for those under their care. A shepherd is a leader who leads his flock to safe pastures and is responsible for their wellbeing. Likewise, parents are leaders for their children and help guide them and keep them safe. Once our children are old enough to care for themselves, we remain a part of their lives to provide them with support when necessary. Through the help of Allah and with our guidance, they can go on to be leaders in their own households and in their communities, inshaAllah, God willing.
Wendy Díaz is a Puerto Rican Muslim writer, award-winning poet, translator, and mother of six (ages ranging from infant to teen). She is the co-founder of Hablamos Islam, a non-profit organization that produces educational resources about Islam in Spanish (hablamosislam.org). She has written, illustrated, and published over a dozen children’s books and currently lives with her family in Maryland. Follow Wendy Díaz on social media @authorwendydiaz and @hablamosislam.
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