18 tips to teach your kids how to handle pornography

Some parents might think the only way to stop the infiltration of pornography into the minds of their children is by simply cutting off the source of the material. They would consider, for instance, not even installing or disconnecting the internet from the home.

But while this may solve the problem temporarily, it does not teach young Muslims how to deal with this material when they see it everywhere else: on television, billboards on the street or magazines, for instance.

Nor does it encourage them to avoid this material when they have the opportunity to look at it outside of parental control.

Below are some ways to help your child avoid pornography whenever and wherever he or she encounters it. Please note though, this is not a comprehensive list of possibilities, nor should all of the strategies presented be used on your child. Choose the right ones that can help him or her depending on age and previous exposure to pornography.

1. Establish your right and authority as a parent to know

Establish parental authority gently and wisely. Remind your children through words and actions that while you love them and want to be close to them, this does not mean just being 'friends.' As the parent, you have the final say when it comes to their well being. You have a right to know who their friends are, where they are and what they are doing for the sake of their own safety.

2. Know the Islamic perspective yourself

Do your research by reading up about this topic and talking to another trusted parent, as well as your local Imam or Muslim scholar to get a clearer understanding.

Additional research could also be done to find more reasons to not get involved with pornography. For example, find out about the danger it poses to one's health, concentration and the way it portrays women.

3. Teach by example

A son who sees his father ogling pornographic magazines and staring at bikini-clad women at the beach in summer is unlikely to take advice against watching porn seriously. As God reminds us in the Quran, we've got to practice what we preach.

4. Instill accountability to God

Kids need to be gently reminded that Allah, who is very Merciful and Kind, is always watching them, even when mom and dad are not. That means a person needs to act and speak in the right manner at all times as much as possible because God is always aware of what we are doing, saying and thinking. 

But this needs to be done in a way that does not scare the child or make him or her feel resentment towards Allah.

5. Warn them about God's punishment and the Hellfire

While this should not be the sole focus of any Islamic upbringing, when it comes to the issue of pornography, reminding kids of God's punishment could help them. But what should also be mentioned is that Allah is Forgiving and Merciful and if anyone asks His forgiveness and stops doing the wrong thing they were previously involved in, Allah will forgive them.

6. Watch TV with them

You can do this by simply taking the remote control, and every time a scene comes up which is inappropriate, quickly changing the channel and making a sound of disgust. This can be used as a form of conditioning, where your child will see pornographic and/or inappropriate material (i.e. nudity, sexual situations, etc.) and know that this is wrong by your reaction. He or she will associate the two and avoid looking at the material even if not under your supervision. Do the same for the Internet, magazines and anywhere else it is found. This does not mean seeking these sites or magazines. Rather, when they are encountered, use that moment to show your reaction.

7. Make family time

People turn to the media, whether it's television or the Internet because apart from trying to learn or research something or communicating by e-mail, they're bored.

This is why family time at least once a week is important. Whether it's taking everyone out for ice cream on Friday night, going to the Masjid as a family on Sundays for classes or playing a board game together, keeping the kids entertained the right way, together as a family, will reduce boredom and the need to turn to TV and the Internet to have fun.

8. Get them involved in good activities

Is there a good young Muslim boys or girls group in your city? Get your son or daughter to join. If not, start one up with the cooperation of other parents. Also, get them involved in things like sports and volunteer work.

9. Check their friends

More often than not, kids get their information about sex from friends who often mislead them instead of guiding them. The same is true when it comes to pornographic material. If you find that some of your children's friends are involved in porn, talk to the parents, and if that does not work, keep your child away from the child.

By the same token, help your kids befriend those who are practicing Muslims of the same age, who can provide them with fun and companionship, without sacrificing their Islamic principles.

10. Get involved with their school

If you want to really know what kind of material your kid is being taught and what kinds of ideas he or she is being exposed to, helping out in school is your ticket. Involvement brings access to teachers, the principal and discussion on what is being taught and what's talked about in class discussions. It also means that when you have something to say about the kind of material being viewed or talked about in your child's classroom, your opinion is more likely to be listened to.

11. When they're old enough, talk about pornography

This should be done in the context of a discussion on modesty, and it should be done discreetly, in a gradual way, according to their age (see tips on how to talk to your kids about sex). Talk openly and clearly, asking their opinion about this issue (this is a great way to indirectly find out what friends and peers at school are saying or doing about it), and give them the Islamic perspective.

12. Install filters or get an Internet service which is porn-free

There are many safe surfing tools available for Internet and there are TV sets which come equipped for parental blocking of some channels. Invest in these technologies.

13. Establish the ground rules for the computer

Apart from setting hours for Internet use for every family member, you can also make it clear what kind of material is acceptable to view or not.

Some other helpful rules for safe computer use that all kids should know are courtesy Protect Your Kids http://www.protectyourkids.info/):

• Never give out identifying information such as your address, phone number, school name, town, etc. in chat rooms, forums, forms or questionnaires.
• Never agree to meet anyone in person that you have met online.
• Never reply to any email, chat messages, or forum items that make you feel uncomfortable.
• Never send information or pictures to anyone over the Internet that you do not know.
• Never give your password to anyone except your parents, no matter who they say they are.
• Be aware that people may not be who they say they are. Someone who says she is a 10-year old girl may really be an older man.
• Never click on links in emails from people you don't know.
• Don't order anything or give anyone credit card information without your parent's permission.
• Always tell your parents if someone upsets you or makes you uncomfortable.
• Always follow your parents' rules regarding computer use.

14. Keep the computer and TV of the house in a high traffic area

It's harder to watch porn if the computer is in the living room or dining room where everyone else can see it.

15. If you catch them looking, get proof before you confront them

Don't respond in this kind of situation by losing your cool. Instead, gather all of the proof you can that they have gone on pornographic site(s) or have been looking at these kinds of magazines, for instance, first. This can be done by going to History on the menu bar of your browser to see which sites he or she viewed or has been viewing. You need gives your kids the message that you do not trust them.

16. Assume the best and confront them

Don't attack Amina or Junaid if you've caught him/her. Talk openly without accusation. Confront them with the information you've found and ask why they were looking at these sites. If they say it was out of their control, it just came up while they were surfing, take their word for it. But mention again accountability to Allah and His punishment, and talk about trust- how it is broken when these type of things happen intentionally (and assume they are innocent).

17. Chaperone Internet time, sometimes

This can be done occasionally, or it can be done regularly. But it's a good idea to have a "pop inspection", so the kids know mom or dad are watching while they surf or watch television. You could use the opportunity to show them some cool Islamic sites or the Discovery Channel, so they don't feel they are being pronounced guilty until proven innocent.

18. Have them build their own fabulous Islamic website

Help them build a great webpage or website, full of bright color, games, quizzes, and generally cool stuff so they can help other kids surf right too.

19. Consider removing the Internet, cable, or TV, in the case of repeat offenses

If pornographic sites continue to show up when you check on your kid(s), warn them that if it happens again, the Internet will be removed from the home permanently.

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