Missing thoughts

In the quietness of my thoughts
I reached out
and found nothing.
Patient tears flowed upon an endless crevice
burning the current's path into a deeper emotion-
Visions of material success, possessions and fame
built empty dreams upon weak ideals.
In a self-created world, my self-created world, I was surrounded
by frustration, denial and an image of who I'd become.
Recollection of parties,
of school
of life
of awards
of moments that were drawn up to reflect "living" and "achievement"
-drawn by a girl who thought she was the artist-
Are nothing more than pieces that remain dead to the conscience of my heart. Memories of times when I thought I should be happy
I stood shuddering in shameful loneliness
letting the bitter wind of reality consume me
and yet I don't know why. . .
Feelings I see in my patchwork of faded existence seem to reveal that
Something was missing,
Is still missing
Was always missing.
I quiet myself further and try and find out why the tears
burn with shame and the Noor has disappeared from my face.
Perhaps it was never there
Perhaps I never let it into my heart
Perhaps I thought I was strong enough on my own.
"Oh Allah (swt) please forgive me,
I need You, I need Your guidance, Your forgiveness,
Your mercy. I am nothing when I fail to remember You,
I am nothing without You
. . . I am nothing at all"